Househunting and Testicles
Househunting. Such a common phrase it has now been trunkated to one word. Such a universally feared and loathed term it has been identified as one of the six main causes for Bubonic Plague. Such a necessary evil it is unavoidable when one needs to relocate oneself and possessions. However, really, it’s not so bad if one is looking forward to moving and experiencing something new.
Estate Agents. Such a common affliction in today’s high streets they are now to be found in rows of four or more (shocked face). Such a universally cursed and loathed ague they have been identified as the single cause for househunting being immeasurably more difficult than it should be, in addition to it being four of the six main causes of Bubonic Plague. Such an unnecessary and indulgent bunch of incompetent and brazenly ignorant professionals hindering the rehousing of three young and vibrant gentlemen such as us.
Rent Security Agencies. Utterly and completely crap and unashamedly so.
Damn that’s fun to write. But I vent advice as well as rage:
- Never trust an estate/lettings/property/double agent.
- There are good quality 3 bedroom properties in London to rent for £800pcm (shocked face).
- Part-furnished is not a legally-binding term and means the property could have bugger-all in it beside an ageing and leprotic (or is it alopecic in this case?) bogbrush sitting smoking in the corner and leafing through an old French pornographic magazine.
- Beware their ‘reference/registration fees’. These are actually hidden commission fees and are often extortionate. You needn’t pay more than £75 per person for an estate agent to make sure the name you’ve just written and signed for is the same as the one on your passport. Perhaps they charge per page turned. Yet if that’s the case you should insist they start from the back, damn it.
- Lots of rents are negotiable. If you like the place or area but think it’s a bit ‘spensive then just offer what you think it’s worth. The landlord needn’t agree with your offer but you can throw in a paintjob to save him the bother or just make another offer he’ll like more. Make him an offer he can’t refuse. Then look for a local stables.
- Never trust an estate/lettings/property/double agent.
We’ve simply found that the infrastructure surrounding hunting for houses is riddled with corruption and ineptitude and has far too little regulation. I s’pose regulation can be evil too but stopping these bastards charging £100 to check you out of the property is surely a good thing because that kind of absurd fee is total testicles.
Total testicles. Now that has potential.
What’s next? Oh, there’s Andy’s awesome poem below. Read that and compare it to your own dreams of a portable mother. Not that your mum hasn’t any legs, just that a fold-away mum would be great when you need to have someone tidying up after you while you were on the move. Airlines and the military have come up with brilliant fold-away conveniences, I’m sure they’re already looking into it. Then soldiers could have freshly-ironed battletrousers.
